Say Cheese, please

Say Cheese, Please

The history of cheese is something that few people have ever contemplated. Unless we have an aversion to it or suffer from a gastric revolt when eating it, cheese is a common food that is most likely taken for granted by your average cheese eater. There are so many types of cheeses, we could take a couple days just to mention them all. The intention here, is just to illuminate the minds of the ignorant and provide further edification to fromageaphiles. For this discussion we will only delve into the history of normal cheese. Just like most other foodstuffs these days, the common items have been glamorized, glutttonnized and granulized with multiple additives to the normal food to make it different. Chocolate wine, bacon ice-cream, lobster pudding, onions with anything, tomato cheese, etcetera etcetera, etcetera. For this space we only will discuss the basic of cheese or as we say back in the hood, gemeinsamer Kase.

As we once again refer to the vast libraries of research at the University of TaurusFoemus in Bologna, Italy, we find a reliable tome authored by the internationally acclaimed research scholar, Professor Hans Kaesekopf, of the Manga College. In 17th century Switzerland, Count Karl of Zuckerrube is considered the father of modern day cheese invention and manufacture. Prior to this, there were pedestrian types of every day cheese, but it was most primitive and would be unrecognizable to the present day cheese consumer. Count Karl loved his cheese and experimented with a number of cheeses from his youth. His family owned a large estate which contained a few herds of different types of cows which helped further young Karl’s research. After a number of tries to come up with a new and tastier cheese, some of which landed Karl on his back with stomach ailments of epic contortions, he finally came up with his first success. It was a mild yet tasty cheese, and Karl being a patriotic fellow, named it after his country. Switzerland Cheese, or as we now know it, Swiss Cheese. He liked it very much, but needed to make as much money as possible to further his work, he decided to leave holes in the cheese as it was sliced, so he could charge by the slice, but not have to use as much per slice due to the holes in it. It was a wild success in Switzerland and eventually found its way across the borders of his country.

Now that Karl had secured a little more gold, he expanded his cheese house and began further experimentation. At this time he was married and started having a family as well. He decided that he would discover a new cheese for each child as they were born. So in the next years he invented Emmental which was named after his first son. Next he discovered Gouda and Camembert after his twin daughters. His fourth child, Roquefort, was when he started experimenting with sheep as well as the cows. Now his wife needed a break from child bearing for a period. This did not stop Karl from continuing in his work. His next cheese, Gryuere, was named after his favorite horse, which he rode every Friday afternoon when he would go visit his mistress, Feta, who would be honored by Karl with his next cheese discovery. Now all this fame that was making Karl the king of cheese, did not go unnoticed by others who were envious of him. A neighboring rival, Count Funf, started tinkering and came up with his first cheese and named it after his castle, Chateau Limburger. Although some did appreciate the flavor, many could not get over the aroma. Karl started a rumor that the reason that Limburger cheese smelled so bad was because Count Funf never washed his hands after working in the barns and that resulted in the fragrance of his cheese. Although it was popular with a certain crowd, it never constituted a serious challenge to Karl as he progressed in his work.

He did soon have rivals in other parts of Europe. In Great Britain, a member of royalty, the Earl of Duke, was an avid cheeser and was hard at work coming up with new brands. He was credited with discovering, Stilton, Wensleydale, Gloucester and a number of others, The English were soon inventing types of cheeses for all occasions and tastes. It was rumored in some corners, that the reason for the rapid development of cheese in England was due to the local cuisine. Most of the dishes that were served at the time required a few tumblers of ale and a large plate of cheese to get the whole thing down the gullet. In Scotland, it became the norm for the younger crowd to get through a plate of haggis, that they required it to be wrapped in chili-cheese to grease the skids.

The fame of Count Karl soon spread all over Europe. His cheeses were being consumed everywhere and being copied as well. It was just a matter of time before some rich north Americans were bringing cheese back to the colonies. It became a most popular item very quickly. Soon, people were clamoring for more cheese, but couldn’t wait for it all to come over on the next boat. A resourceful farmer in Pennsylvania by name of Jimbo Funkendelic, invented his own cheese. It was a mild flavored cheese that seemed to go with just about any type of food available at the time. Jimbo wanted to name his invention after himself, but cooler heads prevailed upon him to call his cheese just American cheese. Being an easy going farmer, he agreed and we now had American cheese in America. A sample of this new cheese along with its name quickly made its way back to Count Karl. He was miffed beyond belief. He soon filed a lawsuit in the Court of Supremes in Zurich. He contended that Funkedelic had not only broken the solemn rule, that only the Swiss could have a cheese named after them (since it was invented there) and secondly this new cheese tasted suspiciously like the new cheese he had just invented and named after Queen Velveeta of Switzerland. The lawyers quickly were filing briefs and even some boxers back and forth across the Atlantic with no resolution in sight. Finally, Jimbo decided to try a peace offering. He sent Count Karl a box of jars of his new spreadable cheese called, Whiz. Karl did not tackle to it kindly, but his youngest son, Morty, really took a shine to the Whiz. He would spread it on his pumpernickel toast with a cup of Swiss Miss hot cocoa and would sit contentedly for hours on the slopes of the Heisespritze Mountain, which was situated in the back yard of Karl’s estate. The boy who had been a regular juvenile delinquent until this time was now becoming a happy go lucky kleine junger. Karl decided to settle out of court and agreed to let the Americans keep the name and their cheese, as long as they kept him supplied with jars of the Whiz for Morty.

So there you have it. The elementary and condensed history of cheese. There is much more to the story after this, but you have the basics which would be good enough to get you safely to Final Jeopardy if you have the luck of having the Cheese category.

the end

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