Not the Dog Whisperer

Not the Dog Whisperer

There have been television shows and books and movies about dog experts or whisperers, who can teach dogs how to behave and act according to the plan of the trainer. Those are all fine as far as that goes, but I have been lucky enough to have been blessed with the ability to read dog’s minds. I have been called the Dog Mind Reader, the Dog Interpreter and the Dog Analyst. It is a complicated story about how this came to be. It was during my time in the Orient that I stumbled across an old and feeble monk in the backwaters of northwest Thailand. The man was sitting on the ground doing a minimalist impression of a beggar in front of a side street eateria. I almost tripped over him as I made my way out the door, and had to come to a stop to avoid sending us both into the waters of a nearby klong. I helped him up and give him a quick ‘sawadee kha’. He bowed and smiled at me. Even though his face was very wrinkled and his body was weak and shaky, he had a child like twinkle in his eyes. I asked him if needed to get something to eat, and he nodded and pointed into the small chophouse that I had just exited from. I had nothing on my schedule so I went back inside with him and ordered dinner for the old man and another Singha beer for myself. For an old feeble guy, he could really put away the groceries and seemed to know his way around the menu. Before long,the feast was completed and I had drained a few beers while watching him. We got up and I paid the bill and guided the old duffer out the door. I started to say my goodbyes to him when he pulled on my arm and showed me that he wanted me to follow him. I tried to decline the offer, but he insisted and whether it was the food or my imagination, but he had developed a pretty strong grip on my arm. I figured he wanted me to walk him home or meet his wife or something, so I tagged along, but all the while I was looking to make an exit as soon as possible. After about five minutes we came up to a small wooden bungalow on stilts. I once again bowed and attempted to say adios. He indicated that he wanted me to come to the door, he wanted to show me something. Once we reached the doorway, he squatted on the floor and expected me to do the same. I humored him one more time. From a small box, he pulled out a pipe and some matches. He lit the pipe and took a drag on it, and offered it to me. I didn’t want to participate in any Adventures in Opium so I let him know I was not doing any drugs. He said: “..no drugs, feel good – learn much.” He looked and smiled “..you take.” I decided to do a fake pull on the pipe to make him happy and then get ready to be somewhere else. I mistakenly drew more of the smoke into my lungs then expected. A very curious, but quite warm and relaxing feeling came over me. I felt very mellow and calm. All the time the old man kept talking to me and it almost was like singing. He gestured with his hands and began to tell a story, that I could not really understand. Soon, he beckoned to a dog to come to him and he began to pet the dog while he continued his weird chanting. I rested my head against the wall and just let the whole experience wash over me. I don’t know if it was ten minutes or a couple of hours, but I finally found myself in the room by myself, or at least the man was gone and there was just the small dog sitting next to me. I tried to get up quickly, but a voice came into my head,…”don’t get up round eyes, you still weak from smoke. Wait till you all waken up.” I looked around but there was only the dog and no sign of the man. I still felt weak and sleepy and soon dozed off again. This time when I opened my eyes, I felt more awake and aware of my surroundings. I got up and saw that I was all alone in the place. I went to the door and was met with the glare of a hot and steamy morning sunrise. I was not sure what was real and what was just a dream, but I knew that it was time to get back to more familiar surroundings.

As I walked down the street, I thought I heard some voices in my head, but just assumed it was part of my previous nights adventures. Once I had something to eat and cleared my head it would all be ok again. I came around a corner and saw a small dog running in front of me. It looked at me and I thought I heard it say something, but it was just a couple yips and that was it. Later, I cut through an alley like street and two dogs were rooting through some scraps on the ground. I stopped in my tracks, because I heard something more this time. They were speaking Thai, but I could hear them arguing about who saw what first. They looked at me and one barked an obscene insult in my direction and then they both laughed and ran the other way. I thought I must have been still on some kind of trip, because hearing what dogs were thinking or saying was an impossible thing. I was soon on my way back to my hotel and checked into my room and decided that a little food and a long nap would solve my problems. When I woke up later that evening, it all seemed like just a fantastic dream and never gave it another thought.

Until I arrived back home in the States. When I got back home, I went to visit my cousin to catch up on what was up in the neighborhood. My cousin Virgil greeted me at the door, along with his two labs, one yellow and the other black. Shortly after he popped me a beer, I was brought back to my Thai dream. I heard the dogs. “Who the heck is this guy?” “never saw him before, I hope he might be bringing us some treats or will play ball with us.” “being shut up in this house is driving me stir crazy!” I asked my cousin, whether he thought I should take the dogs out into the backyard. “Nah, they love it here in the house, they would rather just sit around here with me and watch tv.” I could hear the dogs thinking about getting outside to stretch their legs and run around a little, but my cousin didn’t want them outside barking and making too much noise for his neighbors. So I gave the dogs a look and shrugged my shoulders and decided to take a ride. I said goodbye to all and began to live the rest of my life. I had many more of these episodes until I finally realized my gift and began to accept it and make it a normal part of my existence.

Which brings me up to the present day. I have a couple dogs at home and have been able to understand my dogs quite well, sometimes to my own detriment. A recent Saturday morning would be a good example. Saturday is a good time to stay in bed and try to catch up on all the sleep you missed during the week. Unfortunately, my dogs have the advantage of sleeping 15 to 20 hours a day, so Saturday morning is no big event to them. Also, I understand that they don’t even know what day of the week it is. They are clever, but simple minded creatures. As I lay in the bed I am brought into awake world by the sound of my dog Herman flopping his big ears back and forth. That is a signal for the other dog, Kevin, to get up and start the day. I keep my eyes shut tight and try to ignore the whole thing. Herman tells Kevin: “go over to his side of the bed and take up a position as close to him as possible and just stare at him. Wait till he opens his eyes.” They don’t know that I can hear them, so I keep my eyes closed and act like I am snoring. I hear Herman say: “he’s faking that, get closer to him and start breathing heavy on him.” I can feel Kevin getting very close to the bed and is just inches from me. I can smell his canine breath on my face. Once again, Herman directs :” ok, start to slowly whine and whimper, like you can’t hold it in any longer, that should get him. I got to go myself and I need to eat, I don’t think we have had anything to eat in a week.” So Kevin begins to whine and I know the jig is up. I slowly roll out of bed, and watch them start dancing around the room. “alright, we got him, we get to go out, we get to eat, we get to eat, we get to go out, we get to eat!!!!!!” On and on they go as they jump and prance around as I lead them down the stairs to the door to go out. It doesn’t take much to keep them happy.

Another recent scenario comes to mind. It is late at night and it is mostly quiet in the house. The television is on and I am reading my book. The dogs are peacefully slumbering, when one gets up and starts walking around. “man, am I bored with this laying on the hard floor stuff, lets have a little fun. ok?” So Kevin pops up and says; “watch this one.” He runs over to the back door and starts barking and howling like the house is under attack. The other one bounds to the door and unleashes the best barks in his repertoire. The barking and braying is almost deafening. I wonder if there is someone or something outside the door. It sounds like there is some kind of danger. I jump up and run over to the door and flip on the outside light switch. Nothing stirring. Nothing there. They stop barking and just turn around to go back to the living room. I hear them laughing to each other: “man, that was a good one, he really flipped out. I have to give you credit, that performance you gave was better than anything Lassie could do.” “awwww, it was nothing, I have done better, but this was pretty good at short notice, that was fun.” So, it was a planned false alarm. I will figure out some type of revenge to do to them tomorrow. Most of the time it is useless to trick them. They always seem to have the upper hand, because they are devious and have no conscience. Sometimes you wonder who is in charge. But, since I understand them I can play the game and win once in awhile.

Another thing that I have found with this talent of reading dog’s minds and hearing their conversations, is that they don’t all speak English. If you go to Europe, the German dogs speak German, the English dogs all have British or Cockney accents. Italian dogs are quite animated and their speech is punctuated with much use of their eyebrows and ears, since they don’t have hands. In foreign countries, there are dogs that know some English if they have been exposed to enough Americans and will use it at times, as they did in Thailand. When I first began to be aware of my gift, I expected poodles to speak with a French accent, and bulldogs to have a British accent, but that was not the case. In America they all speak the same, except for some in the south do have a bit of a southern accent. The dogs do have their faults and they can be quite trying when they want to be, but if you treat them well, they are loyal to a fault. I have heard them talking to each other when they are reclining after a good meal. “You know, the master is just the greatest. He gave us a whole bowl of that great food that we always eat and it tasted so good! Life is good.” The other one says: “you said it Kevin, the chow around here is unbelievable and we get it twice a day and don’t have to work for it either. I wonder what we are having for breakfast, and shouldn’t breakfast be coming pretty soon? Seems like its been ages since we last ate.”

So far, I have never tried to use my talent to make money or fight crime or even find a useful benefit. Most likely, no one would believe me. If you are reading this, you probably think that I am making this up to spin another wild tale. But, it is true and it is something that I have come to deal with along with everything else that comes down the road. I have impressed a few girls when I happened across some dogs playing in a park and showed them exactly what to do to make their dogs happy and mostly obedient. They usually think I am some kind of dog trainer or even a dog whisperer. I just smile and tell them it is nothing but a gift I have. When they ask me for a better explanation, I know that it is time to be on my way.

the end

copyright 2017