Not So Fast, Food

Not So Fast, Food

Of the many things we take for granted these days, trips to the fast food eaterias might be close to the top of the list. MacDonalds, Burger King, Burger Chef, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, and on and on. We also believe that they were all invented for our benefit sometime back in the 1950’s or 1960’s. If you are just a follower of pop culture and the historical blather broadcast on one of the thousands of cable channels and reality shows, you might think that this tale of recent history is correct. With just a minimum of effort and a bit of investigation, we find that this is not true at all. If you happen to peruse some of the ancient tomes and publications at the world renowned University of Taurusfoemus in Bologna, Italy, you will be able to read and enjoy the true history of this industry.

Evidence of possibly the earliest quick food spot was discovered in a dig in Egypt by the respected archaeologist, Dr. Mandrake Hop-Tootsen in 1889. He reported that during his year long excavations along the Nile, he found at least three different structures, each separated by 30 kilometers or more, but each bearing the same name on wooden sign affixed to the door. After translating the hieroglyphics, it read, Nefertetti’s on DeNile. A similar board was discovered in all three locations with a primitive menu, offering the same fare in each spot. Some of the highlights were: Cheops Suey, Cleopatra Salad, Pyramid of Fries, Bowl of Rameses Noodles and drinks were available under Tuts Tankerds. The cost of these items translated into modern currency were all under a dollar each. So this was likely the first Value Menu. It was the theory of Dr. Hop-Tootsen that travelers on the Nile, would pull into these ancient greasy spoons, as they were making their way up the Nile, and stop in for a quick meal and then be on their way. It is believed that with more digging, that it is likely that there was a whole chain of these restaurants the length of the Nile. Further notes indicate that the original owner and founder was none other than Pharaoh SamtheSham.

Centuries later, in another part of the ancient world there was a fascinating discovery in Greece. In a number of digs around the city of Athens the German explorer Helmut Dantine, made another culinary discovery around the year 1897. He found a cache of documents that contained maps, brochures and ancient menus for a string of restaurants that were established in the area of Athens and the then suburbs. There were at least four and maybe more of restaurants which were called Παρθενώνας μικρότερο, which translates to Parthenon Junior. The proprietor of the main restaurant was none other than Homer! The other three known restaurants were documented to be run by Homer’s three sons, Triple, Double and Single. Some of the interesting items on the menu were, Homer’s Gyros, Eggplant Aristotle, Achille’s Eel, Helen of Troy Hotcakes, and wine to go. On the back of the menu, it noted : Homer says:χωρίς πατάτες, τσιπς – which we all know, means —no fries, chips! The prices in drachma were pegged to be affordable for the servants and menial workers of the day. It looked like there were plans to expand the chain to other parts of Greece, but so far there have been no further discoveries to confirm that.

Browsing through the documents at Taurausfoemus, there were even more startling reports. In ancient Rome there is further proof of a continuance of evidence of early fast food emporiums. In an excavation that was made around 1873, by Professor Aldo Cella, of the Collegia de Vino e Mangia in Naples, he unearthed evidence of a string of al fresco eateries that were found throughout the city at around 78 AD or so. The first one was found beneath an old Roman Bath, the street sign said strada di manza or Beef Street. There was a rude metal sign or shield that was shaped in an arch with a gold tinge to it. It was simply called Mario’s. On a piece of board underneath the arch, it was etched, : “sopra IVCM venduto” loosely translated: over 4900 sold. Now what was sold is the hard part. There are only scraps of the ancient menus found in the digs around the city. There was a scroll that was found that showed the locations of over 10 or 15 of these little joints around the city of Rome, including one on Via VIVI. Some of the menu items that were found, were of course Caesar Salad, Nero Flamma on Toast, Pasta al Remus & Romulus, and Tony;s Tiramisu. It looks like you could order a combination of items and it was cheaper than ordering al a carte, it was called pasto di valore and was only five denarii.

There are still others that can me discussed, but time constraints might just leave us with just one  other prominent discovery. On the outskirts of present day Budapest a rich nobleman was building a new castle in 1843 to house all the bric a brac that his new wife, the Countess of Hsnna , had that was overflowing from her current house. When the workers were digging up the basement where the new rumpus room was going to be installed, they came across wooden boards and old eating utensils. A local historian, Duke Smetana, was called in to investigate. He determined that all these objects were from around 440 AD. Further digging revealed tables and chairs and a rustic kitchen. They found pictures of wild horsemen on the walls, and portraits of savage warriors. Translated, the name of the restaurant was called The Hungry Hun. Below that it said: “Be sure to stop at any of our convenient locations as you travel this season.” It then showed a rudimentary map with seven or more red dots on the map. It appears that as the Huns were on their way pillaging and thundering across the vast Hungarian Plain to western Europe, they always had a pretty healthy appetite. Mostly they would just take what they wanted from the local populace as they wreaked havoc in the villages and towns. But according to the Duke, it appeared that sometimes the hurried meal taken from the tables of unfortunate peasants did not always hit the spot. Even though these Huns had the reputation as just a bunch of savage marauders, they still appreciated the chance to sit down and have a nice meal every once in a while. An early entrepreneur by name of Tony Gabor, decided to take a chance and open a couple of small hovels to accommodate the boys. He would offer oxen sandwiches and boar soup with endless, flowing bowls of kumiss to drink. Sometimes his wife Zsa Zsa would sing for their entertainment. He provided free parking and stables for the horses as well. It proved to be a popular idea and he soon had a small chain along the conquest route heading west. Unfortunately for Tony, when Attila died and his empire soon dissolved thereafter, so too did Tony’s food empire.

So as you stop for your next whopper or taco bel grande, remember these great pioneers that came before. Just think, if there only had been some  enterprising American entrepreneurs out there in the Sierra Nevadas back in the winter of 1846, maybe the Donner Party wouldn’t have had to change their menu.

copyright 2017