Scientific Advances Coming Soon
Previously in this very same location, the readers of this informative and illuminating blog, were privy to inside information about new life changing drugs coming to the market one day soon. Although we cannot report on the current status of those mentioned previously, we do have exciting information about a new series of products that will be rolled out in the future. Only the elite and privileged readers of this blog will be aware of these new discoveries in the medical and cosmetic world.
Sleep problems seem to be rising to the status of an epidemic in the modern world. Can’t sleep? Sleeping pills abound, prescription, holistic, home remedies, magic chants, these are some of the answers that are rolled out to those poor slobs who struggle with their sleep. This new product does not infringe on this crowded situation. Instead we are looking to resolve the problem that so many productive individuals have tried to find a remedy for over the years. It was said that Dr. Albert Schweitzer only slept three or four hours a night so he would have time to continue all his duties and activities at his jungle mission. There are only 24 hours in a day and we waste so much time in the sack, missing out on the stuff we should be doing. Some doctors say we need eight hours of sleep to stay healthy, wealthy and wise. Hold onto your sleeping bag, this is not so. After years of research, the doctors at Turpedtudentine Labs, have come up with an answer. Now you can take the new pill, Cifiropos, which sends you into a deep, restful, dreamless slumber and awakens you in exactly ONE HOUR! Here is the answer to all you of your productivity issues. Have a big term paper due? Got a big project to complete for work? Want to be the first one out in the woods on opening day of deer season? All you need do, take one tablet of Cifiropos, jump in bed and get ready for results. You will quickly nod off into the arms of Somnus. One hour later you will gradually become awake, shake off the remnants of the sandman and arise totally refreshed as if you slept for ten hours. This revolutionary treatment will change everything and increase productivity across the board. There are a few side affects at this time: Cifiropos cannot be taken for more than seven consecutive days, as it may cause a robotic effect on some users and reduce reflexes and some other limb reduction activity. Also it can cause some serious bags to appear under your eyes. (Happily, there is a cure for this, see below.) Remember Cifiropos, is Soporific spelled backwards. Try some, when it becomes available.
As mentioned above, users of Cifiropos, may develop a side affect of saddle bag sized bags under the eyes with continued use. Also, there are those unfortunates who are suffering from sleepless nights due to guilty consciences or alcoholic enhanced stupor. They arise and peer into the mirror and see those unsightly bags under their eyes. You could put a load of groceries in those bags. No problem now. Coming to a drug store or supermarket near you, is the answer to this malady. Pretty Eyes! Now you will be able to spray this miracle drug, (carefully) to the areas under your eyes where these ugly bags reside. Within minutes, the bags begin to magically disappear right in front of your astonished eyes.. Pretty Eyes will make your eyes look new and refreshed! No longer will you have to hear a co-worker say to you: “..late night again Sylvia?” Instead they will look enviously at you as you shimmer into the office. One dose is good for a whole day of Pretty Eyes! You will be able to walk with confidence wherever you go, with as little or as much sleep that you had the previous night. Pretty Eyes for you! In the testing phase, there have been some minor side affects such as modest shrinking of the skin under the eye and causing reduced vision with overuse, and complete loss of night vision, so caution is advised. Clinical trials are ongoing, but it should be coming to you soon.
Another ongoing complaint of so many people, corpulent or otherwise: I want to lose some weight, but it is so hard, and I don’t seem to be losing any pounds at all. Diets, exercising, special drinks, surgery, juices from unidentified tropical fruits or plants, joining the military, getting sent to the sweatbox in prison, brain re-programming, hypnotism, none of these elementary solutions seem to work. Well, once again, the answer to the problem is just a few FDA approvals away from coming to your doorstep soon. The new product is called: Seal My Lips! This wonder drug is the answer to the centuries old conundrum of desperate weight loss. The solution is simple and easy to use. Seal My Lips comes in an easy to apply tube, just like lipstick. All you need to do is apply it gently to your lips and let the fun begin. Say you have a craving for a couple nice jelly doughnuts and a side of double Mocha, whipped cream java mochiotto supreme. Hard to compute how many calories that will entail. But since you have applied Seal My Libs, your troubles are over. One bite of that juicy bismark or a suck on the straw of your chocolate beverage and you will drop them like a bowl of hot lard on the Fourth of July. The secret formula in Seal My Lips makes that doughnut taste and smell like a fried skunk sandwich. Just one taste will turn your taste buds to stone. Anything that you try to eat that has more sugar that you need or a level of fat content that you should avoid, will trigger a warning in the formula and explode into a variety of nauseating tastes into your greedy mouth. In many cases after just a few weeks use, the taste attacks will eventually program your desires to something else, such as leafy greens, bio-degradable soy products, kale, sawdust induced bread, boiled lemon water and other nutritious types of foods. Before you know it those excess pounds will be dropping from you so fast that you will have to start buying new clothes every week. Even if Seal My Lips hasn’t programmed your taste buds, just a two month regimen is guaranteed to make you hit your weight target. For those hard cases out there, there is even Super Seal My Lips, which actually does seal your lips for a period of six hours at a time, so of course caution should be used. Should be used by adults only or with adult supervision. Not available in American Samoa or the Aleutian Islands or most of the continental United States at this time, but is available in some off shore locations.
Finally we have the a solution for an embarrassing social concern of more people than we knew. Have you ever been at a gathering at local tavern, or maybe standing around at a cocktail party which includes many of your fellow workers and the bosses. It seems like they are all having a great time, drinking, chatting and answering text messages on their cell phones or devices and fielding endless “important’ telephone calls. All are doing this, except maybe YOU. Your cell phone seems to have taken a vow of silence like a monk in a monastery. It also gives the impression that you don’t have any friends or followers and nobody, but nobody is sending you any texts or calling your line. Not even the telemarketers. The other look at you with contempt and pity, as they merrily text away and show each other the latest funny photos or jokes or sharing the contents of their latest call. What are you to do? If you want to avoid this shameful scene, you need to get the latest ap, Cell-Me@. This reliable and relatively cheap phone ap, can turn your whole social life around. Sign up for the basic plan. Once you activate it, you will be guaranteed at least 8 texts every hour for at least four hours. Also included in this plan will be three to five calls in those same four hours. If you want to display a little more social bravado, you can purchase the Silver Plan, which will get those texts coming 20 times an hour, also you will receive no less than four telephone calls an hour for the next four hours. When you step up to the Gold Executive Plan, not only do you get the 20 texts, and the four calls, also you will receive a joke or humorous photo with every other text sent to you ( you tell us a name to use and soon Suzie Q, will be sending funny pics or jokes right away.) Also when you get those calls, there will be a live person on the other line calling to check up to see if you are having a good time and carry on a snappy conversation with you. (Calls must be limited to 5 minutes or less.) Before you know it, your cell phone is ringing like the cash register at the liquor store on payday! Everyone will look at YOU with envy because you are the most popular person around. Texts, emails, telephone calls, jokes, all from your entourage of friends and business contacts. Talk about the big deal that you have to work out tomorrow, tell your babe that you can’t make it to the beach this weekend, schedule that big bowling match next week, all at the tip of your cell phone. If your social standing doesn’t improve in a month, you can ask for your money back. You should try it today, don’t delay— Cell-Me, NOW.
The above services are not guaranteed by this website or the author and may not be accessible in your area when they are available or approved by the FDA or other governmental authorities. Past performance does not guarantee future results and read all the warnings before dispensing your cash for purchases as total satisfaction and results may vary.
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