Go, fly a Kite!

This week’s interesting personality in the news is Kevin Shubbs, sportsman, celebrity pitchman and currently the play-by-play announcer for the new World Kite Flying League. Mr. Shubbs was previously a well known reporter on sports for a number of networks, but mysteriously disappeared from the major sports scene for the past ten years. He just recently surfaced again in his current role as the lead play-by-play man for this new sporting venture, Kites. Our crack interviewer and a celebrity of sorts, Thrushton Deadwood, tracked down Mr. Shubbs in a local fine dining establishment.

Deadwood: Kevin Shubbs, what a delight to see you again! It must be ten years since we last met. What are doing with yourself these days?

Shubbs: Yeah, Thurston, it has been a while hasn’t it? Looks like you have been pretty handy with the old knife and fork lately. Those yoga pants look a little tight.

Deadwood: It’s Thrushton, not Thurston, and if you must know, I have a condition and the doctor wrote me a prescription for these pants.

Shubbs: Sure. Okay guy. But unless my memory fails, didn’t you used to go by the name of Sammy Spanatic, back in the old days?

Deadwood: No. Maybe. Maybe I used that as a stage name at one point, when it looked good for me in Hollywood, but who is interviewing whom, anyway? Enough about me, what about you?

Shubbs: Well, as you may have heard or read on the internet, I am hooked up with this new sports league. World Kite Flying. What with all the new reality shows on TV, its just a matter of time before we get a spot soon. Originally I thought it was kind of a silly notion, but the sponsors really wanted me, and were able to twist my arm. After further review, I have to say, it’s quite exciting, sometimes.

Deadwood: Didn’t I hear that they gave you a large pile of cash, plus a clothing deal? Since you weren’t working, at least nothing remarkable, it would have been hard for you to pass it up.

Shubbs: Actually, Thurston, after I saw a few exhibitions, I knew that I really wanted to do it. They wanted me pretty bad and I was excited about the whole concept. So both sides were quite satisfied.

Deadwood: I know that you used to be a semi-big name in sports, but isn’t it true that everyone else turned the job down?

Shubbs: That’s not exactly true. Harley Spirral and Tony Clodman both wanted the job, but they chose me instead.

Deadwood: From what I hear, Spirral is drying out somewhere in Arizona and Clodman died in a fishing accident. So that shouldn’t really count.

Shubbs: Okay, technically you are right, neither of those were quite available, but I think they are quite happy they have me doing it for them.

Deadwood: I haven’t had the time to catch one of your broadcasts, can you tell our listeners all about it, and how the whole thing works?

Shubbs: Sure, Thurston. First we choose our playing field or venue as we call it. We like it to be a place away from big trees or power lines, but…

Deadwood: Sorry to interrupt, Kevin, —it is Thrushton —but you mean to say that you don’t have regular scheduled fields to use?

Shubbs: Wellllllll, you know, what with baseball and football and sometimes even soccer, taking the best spots already, we don’t have a lot to choose from right now. When this whole thing catches on a little better, we might have the dough and the fans to buy some land or at least lease something suitable to our needs. We did try it indoors once. We used some big floor fans to create a wind effect, but the whole thing never really got off the ground, so to say. hahhhhh

Deadwood: Yes, I can imagine. Well, please go on.

Shubbs: As I was saying, we like to have an open field with as few trees or power lines as possible. Although we do like some in the area to add a little excitement to the whole thing for the spectators.

Deadwood: So you do have spectators on hand, do they have to pay to watch?

Shubbs: Originally the tickets were a little pricey, but we had a hard time collecting, what with no stadium or fences to keep the people out. So we decided it would be provide a better atmosphere to have a larger crowd which would help for the radio broadcast. We are trying to make up the money with the chair rentals and concession stands.

Deadwood: So you do sell beer, hot dogs, nachos etc?

Shubbs: Well, not yet. At least no beer, as we don’t have a license for that yet. The guy we use right now has sno-cones, cotton candy, coffee, funnel cakes and that type of stuff. He’s in the process of expanding his menu soon. We also sell shirts and hats with team logos. The best selling shirt is of a guy running across a field with a kite in the air and being hit by lightning. Also, as the players and teams become a little more well known, we expect the logo item sales to skyrocket.

Deadwood: Are there any big star names in this league?

Shubbs: Actually yes, I guess. There’s a guy that plays for the Midland Fetlocks, Flyin’ Frankie Fritz, who seems to making a name for himself. He really gets the crowd going sometimes, even I get caught up in the excitement.

Deadwood: Really? And just what does this Fritz fellow do?

Shubbs: Well, I remember this one match, when the Fetlocks were playing the Zanesville Flyers, that was just before they became the Columbus Squirrels. Anyway, the match had just started and old Frankie starts running with his kite, alongside some clown from the other team, and just as they start to hit their stride, Frankie trips the guy, shoves him as he is going down, and then steps on him with his spikes for good measure. That really got the crowd going good.

Deadwood: They wear spikes?

Shubbs: Oh yes, the sponsors demand it.

Deadwood: Wasn’t that maneuver illegal or a foul of some kind?

Shubbs: You might say so, but sometimes the referees don’t see everything. In this case they missed it, and Frankie went on to win going away.

Deadwood: Just what are the rules? Or how do you win a match? I’m sure that our listeners are anxious to know why they should attend kite flying match.

Shubbs: Sure Thurston. As it was explained to me, a long time ago, the Greeks or some people closely related to them, began the ancient art of kite flying.

Deadwood: Are you sure it wasn’t the Chinese?

Shubbs: It could have been them too, but as I heard it, it was the Greeks. Anyway, our people have done plenty of research on the whole thing, and have developed a contest that is reminiscent of the ancient sport that was probably held at the time of the very first Olympic games.

Deadwood: Please go on.

Shubbs: We usually have four man teams. The match is set up in three parts. There are two, two man contests and the last part is the one on one duel. In this duel, two guys will line up at the start line and run like crazy, pulling a gayly festooned kite behind them. The guy who gets his kite the highest in the air before the ten minute clock runs out, is the winner.

Deadwood: That doesn’t sound too exciting to me.

Shubbs: That’s why we let some things go a little bit to spice up the competition.

Deadwood: Like Mr. Fritz knocking down his opponent.

Shubbs: Yeah, well sometimes that stuff happens. And trees and power lines can add a little danger at times. We never call a contest on account of bad weather either. Some of the teams have used taunting to great affect, which has led to a few brawls. Which can lead to penalties. Also there is just some doggone good kite flying skills as well.

Deadwood: Sounds thrilling, what about the two man team contests?

Shubbs: I was saving the best for last. The two man team portion is timed for thirty minutes. The clock never stops. No injury time outs or anything. This is full contact, rockem sockem , sadie bar the door kite competition.

Deadwood: I thought it was Katie bar the door. Unfortunately or luckily, we have run out of time for today. I know that you have much more to tell us why anyone would come out to watch these matches or to listen to them on the radio. Our of curiosity, just where would a person go to watch the next exhibition?

Shubbs: I’m glad you asked Thurston. Next Tuesday afternoon will be the grudge match for the first place in the Mid-Central Division. It will pit the West Allis Swineherds versus the Aurora Sneakers. The match will be held in West Allis at the Memorial Field a block from Dunwickle’s SuperMart. If you can’t be on hand in person, I will be doing the play by play live on the BigTime Sports Radio network.

Deadwood: Okay this is Thrushton Deadwood. thanking you Kevin Shubbs. Wishing you all the returns of the day and happy sporting to everyone.