Dragnet in the Countryside
This tale begins on a beautiful summer evening in July. The time was in the 1980s, a simple time, lacking the complications of electronic devices. Phil and Candi had recently purchased a small cottage in the woods in the North. Their friends Hank and Rue had joined them for a weekend of peaceful relaxing and quiet in the bucolic settings afforded by this getaway. They had just finished polishing off a plateful of grilled cheeseburgers, a pot of pork and beans and washing it all down with various beverages. Now it was time to clear the dishes and clean up the kitchen and maybe spend the rest of the evening playing board games and listening to the radio. Time to forget about the cares and stresses of the working world and just kick back and enjoy life.
Unfortunately for our happy go lucky couples, deadly fate would intervene in a most inconvenient way. Candi was in the process of gathering up the garbage and refuse from the dinner and walked over to the back porch area when she let out with a piercing desperate call for help.
“Help! A mouse just ran in here! And now I think he has gone back down the basement steps!”
“A mouse? “ cried Rue. “I can’t be in the same place as a mouse! You guys better go get it!”
Phil and Hank looked at each other with the resolute demeanor that men sometimes display at times like this. If there was indeed a mouse, they would go down there and see what they could do about it. They made a quick foray into the back room area and started to descend the basement steps to see about apprehending the rodent in question. They had only gone about halfway down the steps, when they spied a very large, and quite ugly snake, making its way up the steps. Now at this time it should be disclosed that Phil and Hank would not be described as frontier men or maybe not even much a country boy. They had between them possibly a couple years of Cub Scouts and maybe they could claim some knowledge from reading Mark Trail in the comic pages, but these two could best be described as men of the city at this point. They were quite taken aback by the appearance of the snake. They knew that they could not alert the ladies of this new arrival, as that might spark a panic that would make the last days of Pompeii look like a tea dance. Steeling themselves for the what they must now do, they scouted around for the best weapons they could find at hand. Equipped with a baseball bat and a can of Raid 20ft wasp spray, they descended the steps to meet their fate.
(Parental discretion is advised, as scenes of violence and wild life abuse to follow)
The snake, sensing that mortal combat was imminent, started to make his way back down the wooden steps. The determined hunters knew that if they were to sleep peacefully under this roof that night, they could not let the serpent escape any further. The battle ensued with a vengeance , no quarter given on either side. Phil gave a quick and telling shot of wasp spray in the face of the snake and Hank quickly followed with a powerful wallop with his Louisville Slugger, (Ted Williams style). It was a desperate struggle and of a most violent nature. To spare the reader of the further details, it can just be said that the snake was soon subdued and eventually rendered to the status of a departed snake. No further sign was noticed of the running mouse, but the snake would no longer bother the living. Or so they thought.
The fearless fighters, chests still heaving from the bitter battle, gingerly picked up the serpent and lowered his body into a nearby paper shopping bag. They ascended the steps and and went back to the wives to apprise them of the situation as it stood at that point. No mouse caught, but the big bad snake was a goner. They felt pretty proud of themselves and expected some heartfelt thanks from the women. Appreciating the quick and decisive action taken by the men folk. That was not to be the case.
“A snake? Are you sure it’s dead?’ wailed Candi.
“How can you be sure that he won’t be right back up here while we sleep tonight?” cried Rue “We don’t trust him or you guys. You better get that body out of here, pronto!’
“Don’t worry about it, we killed that sucker dead, you don’t need to worry about him coming back from the dead.” laughed Phil.
“That’s fine, but you butter pack up that snake and get him far away from here right now, or we will need to go home.” said Candi.
Panic and bad judgment can lead to another set of unforeseen results. They never thought that going down into the basement for a mouse, would result in a battle to the death with a big, fat snake. Now as sunset was drawing near, Phil made another hasty decision.
“Okay, we’ll tie him up in the garbage bag and take the all of trash along with the body in the car and find a can to dump him in.” said Phil.
This seemed to mollify the ladies. As long as the snake was long gone with no chance of return, they could relax in peace. So Phil and Hank loaded the garbage bag in the trunk of Phil’s car and set off to get rid of the body. Phil drove for a few miles but couldn’t find a suitable resting place. They were not going to just fling the bag out of the car, it might be easy, but they did have some scruples. Phil finally remembered that there was a very small roadside park on the main road into town. It was not much, it just had one picnic bench and a trash can next to it. It was a bit further than he wanted to go, but it was far enough away from the cottage and convenient for their requirements.
They finally got to the little spot. It was just a gravel drive in, with large pine trees shielding it from the road mostly, and then the picnic table with the garbage can. They could now dispose of the bag and the snake and end this unhappy caper. To make it look legitimate, they both got out of the car and sat at the table for a minute. Phil smoked a quick cigarette. He then asked Hank to watch to see if any other cars were coming. Right next to the can was a sign —DUMPING OF HOUSEHOLD REFUSE IS PROHIBITED, $500 FINE! One more crime to consider here. The sun was just setting in the western sky. Dark enough to do the deed and depart. “Okay, no cars coming” Hank said softly. Phil pulled the bag from the trunk and quickly threw the evidence in the can and closed the lid and then the trunk.
“Okay, let’s get out of here!” Phil said nervously.
They got back in the car and Phil drove to exit the other side of the drive and be on the way. In his excitement to depart the scene of the crime, Phil did not survey the current condition of the drive going out of the area. Recent rains had made some serious inroads to the sand and gravel of the exit from the park. Before they could reach the safety of the paved road, the little Honda Civic came to a quick halt. Phil tried to continue up the drive. The car could not make the grade, even in first gear. So he decided to back up and try again. That was another mistake. They only became further enmeshed in the ditch which he had not seen. Soon, they were quite stuck, and could not go forward or back.
“What the crap. I can’t believe this. Well, you get in the driver’s seat and I will push us back and when we get out, put it in gear and back out slowly.” said Phil
Phil went to the front of the car and looked down at what he could see of the front wheels stuck in the ditch and started to push as hard as he could to free the car from this mess. He finally got it to rock a little, but no matter what he did, they could not free the car. At this point the situation began to be desperate. Of course, this occurred in the era before cell phones. So there was not a chance of calling for help. Also considering the facts of the case, they did not want to try and flag down someone to give them a push. Looking at how the chips were falling, here were two guys in a little roadside park at night. There was no picnic evidence to display, not even a can of beer. If a good samaritan or worse, a member of the local constabulary might appear, they would have to do some tall talking. There were five hundred reasons for not telling anyone the real reason for this visit, and what was the alternative cause of this happy event? Parked in the car in a roadside park, at night. They didn’t like the picture. No, they could not ask for help from one of the locals. They decided to go for broke. They put the car in neutral, turned the wheels and they both got in front of the car and began to push with all their might, back and forth, back and forth, rocking the car, a little more at a time, hoping not to draw any unwanted attention. They say there have been cases of a motivated man lifting a car off of a victim under the wheels. John Henry was able to beat the steam drill. Anything was possible if you were desperate enough. After much sweat and motivation, the car was dislodged from the ditch. Eureka! Now it was time to make a hasty, but careful departure from the scene. Backing up slowly to the entrance that they arrived in, they made their way onto the road, and taking a look in every direction possible, they left the park in the rear view mirror. Hands were shaking, but self congratulations were pouring from their lips. They had successfully conquered nature and man made disaster without drawing any further attention to themselves. They were free. Victory was sweet, if flawed a little.
Arriving back at the cabin, there was a long discussion with the wives about the whole adventure, After a suitable amount of Stroh’s Bohemian Beer were tossed down the gullets, peace reigned once again in the north woods.
The story that you have just read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. As the pertinent law enforcement agencies were unaware of any potential crimes committed, there was no trial or sentencing at that time.
Copyright @2020