Coming Soon to your Television screen
Anyone who has spent any time in the past few years watching television, is aware of the overwhelming presence of all the commercials for various forms of medications which are dedicated to rid us of every known malady known to man, and also to a few more that we did not know that we even had. At first, we are excited about the possibility that there may be a cure for that disease or addiction or illness that we or others might have. But right after that pleasant sounding person announces that we are cured, then begins to recite a litany of all the possible side affects that we might be subjected to in the event that we decide to take this cure. It seems like we can’t spend an evening watching just a few minutes of the old tube, without being assailed by these drug companies who say they want to help us. That is the reality that we have at this time.
Being privy to a number of newer advances in the world of medicine, we are at liberty to share them with this limited and minuscule audience that might be reading this at some time. So, when these advertisements eventually are shown at some time in the near future, you might be able tell your neighbors that you knew all about it already. You are among the first to know about these:
UNOSE. An irritation that afflicts many people in American today. When you are driving, or working on a problem, or just having something to eat, it is always annoying to have an urge to scratch or rub your nose because it is itching. Once you itch, it might happen again, you might itch your nose while driving and be forced to drop your cell phone or coffee cup and run off the road. You could be eating dinner and have the urge to itch and you fling a forkful of pasta across the table onto a plate of a person who only can eat gluten-free pasta. This can all be avoided with an application of UNOSE today! UNOSE is a fast acting medication that sends an impulse to your brain and tells you that you don’t have any itch at all. No more embarrassing moments on a date or encounters in the office when you are trying to scratch and someone thinks that its a pick! Say goodbye to ITCH! Say hello to UNOSE! There are some side affects: frequent use can cause swelling of the nasal tissues, causing WC FIELDS nose, or enlarged proboscis. Don’t use UNOSE when you are prone to sneezing, as this can cause inhibited sneezing and exaggerated eye bulging and unpleasant ear-popping. Other reported side affects are thoughts of suicide, matricide, patricide, canineicide, tyrannicide, and some depression. If symptoms persist, stop taking UNOSE and take a nap.
Have you ever pushed back from the dinner table and couldn’t resist the urge to collapse on the easy chair or couch and unbuckle the old belt and take a load off? You feel a little guilty. You just spent twenty minutes really putting away the groceries in style and all you can think of is a nice nap. You don’t even help clean up the table. What kind of person are you? A weak one. What can you do about it? Have you heard about PPA? The technical term is Post Prandial Activity. This special drug was discovered in a cave in Tibet by a wandering ancient hippy. It has worked for years in Tibet and has now been approved for use in America. You sprinkle a little of this tasteless powder across your food before eating. When you shove back from the table, you start your usual approach to the couch, when all of a sudden you have an overwhelming urge to get outside and start some vigorous exercise. Before you know it, you are jogging or biking down through your neighborhood. Neighbors will see you, happily trotting down the block, sometimes with your napkin still inside your shirt. No more sinking into the stuffed chair and taking a snooze after dinner, now you are exercising and working off all that food that you just polished off. No time for that cigarette or beer, you are busy sweating and losing all those calories and unwanted fat. Thanksgiving dinner? No problem. You will be outside throwing around the football with the kids and tackling uncle George if he ever catches the ball. A little PPA, will make your day. Put it on your oatmeal for breakfast and ride your bike to work. Sprinkle it on your bologna sandwich at lunch, and you will be running up the stairs to see what the boss is up to. As with any medication there are some cautions and side affects. Frequent use has resulted in some cases of nausea, vomiting and general malaise when taking and exercising after an opulent dinner. Other side affects have been reported such as heart attacks, strokes and even death by some overweight users, so caution is advised. Do not take PPA if you plan on swimming after eating. If you find yourself climbing a tree after use and then cannot determine how to get back down from the tree, please call the fire department immediately.
Are you thinking about attending your next class reunion? You really want to impress the old gang and let them know that time hasn’t changed you. You might have dropped a few of those unwanted pounds, but you can’t get rid of some of those wrinkles. You don’t have the time or the money for expensive plastic surgery. What can you do? Our scientists and lab workers have heard you and we have a solution. Wrinkle-B-Gone. Now, in just a few hours, and a quick application of Wrinkle-B-Gone and you can hit that dance floor at the reunion, and under any lighting situation, you will look almost like you did in your senior year. You apply WBG to your face, arms and even legs and after an hour or so—it’s MAGIC time, the Wrinkles-B-Gone! Looking in the mirror will astonish you. The miracle of WBG was discovered by accident by a dry cleaner in Brooklyn just a few years ago. Now that it has been approved for human use, we are rushing it out to you today. You will be the envy of the party and your classmates will either think that you are wealthy enough for multiple plastic surgeries, or that you have really taken care of yourself all these years. It’s a win-win situation for you. Now, we are able to send you an 8 ounce bottle of this wonder drug for only $49.95. The reason that it is so affordable, is that it does have some small side affects. First of all, there is the Cinderella affect. WBG is a miracle drug, but one that only will last for 24 hours. So once you apply it, you need to use it right away. After the reunion is over, you have to be sure to scurry home and not be caught out all night at some sleazy bar or motel, because in 24 hours you will be back to your normal look. Due to the toxic nature of WBG, it can only be applied no more than once a month. Anything more frequent has caused slide-stretch affect, which stretches the skin where applied and causes an unnatural smoothing and green coloring which makes your skin slippery and slidey. When applying, we recommend using gloves, because once it is on your fingers, in many cases, it has smoothed them out so completely, that the user was unable to pick up anything with their hands, since they were too smooth for gripping. When ordering, please be sure to ask the operator for our Class Reunion Special Catalog, which features our EZ-ON girdle, Hair Color for U, and a vast assortment of natural looking wigs, extensions and hair pieces. Now you will never again fear going to your class reunion. You will be the talk of the Ball and the envy of those old cheerleaders and jocks. Call Today.
Watch for these and many other new products and features that will be coming to market in the near future.
Yours in science.
copyright @2017