Cecil B. DeMille Comes to 2193 McKinstry
As we are still awaiting the next batch of translations and research from The Taurus Foemus Institute we will instead relate some further adventures from the Golden Days of yesteryear.
This event occurred sometime most likely in the late 1950s. Situations like this could never be planned in advance and they are things that just happen spontaneously, but then become historic tales of mis-rememberances in nature. You have to imagine a hot day in the summer, maybe late July or early August. It took place in the back yard of my cousin’s house on McKinstry. I don’t know the exact reasons or the problem that had made this all possible, but it set the scene for an epic.
The backyard of my cousin’s house was all dug up. I believe that there was a issue with the water pipe or the sewer or something. The back yard had a series of piles of dirt and large holes in the ground. As there was no garage on the property, it provided a large area of excavation. To a kid, who might have been raised on watching many WWI and WWII movies on television and at the show, it looked sort of like trenches or a battle scene. It was just calling on any kid that happened to be in the area to use this perfect battlefield to start a game of “guns” or “war”. So before you knew it, a number of little kids were diving in the holes and jumping around and shooting at each other. It was just something that happened naturally with bored kids looking for something to do in the dogs days of summer.
This might have gone on for a short while, when a couple of the participants decided to jump back in time and see if they could emulate the knights of the round table or maybe Ivanhoe. The genius behind this maneuver was my cousin Stevie, as he was always a bit more of an adventurous sort. In the backyard, there were clothes lines and of course there were clothes poles. (For those who don’t know what they were,—few families owned dryers, and had to either go to the laundromat to dry their clothes or put them up on the clothes line in the back yard. Wet clothes are heavy, so you needed these long, thin, wooden poles. The pole would be stuck under the line and then stuck in the ground to support the clothes line. Sometimes you might need three or four or more to do the job right.) So Stevie and some of the rest of us enterprising kids picked up some of the clothes poles, and then got the inspiration to take the lids off the garbage cans in the alley. Now you had lances and shields and you could begin the jousting tournament. Before you could say : Lancelot- there were a few ersatz knights whaling away at each other in the back yard. Too bad there weren’t any movie cameras available, as it would have made for exciting viewing.
Now some of the others that had been jumping in the holes and dirt, watched the jousting and decided that they wanted to get involved in some special way. So you had some kids jousting, some still playing -War- and a few, led by, if I remember correctly, my cousin Jeannie, decided to pull out a couple of the water hoses and see what they might do with those. Before you know it, there were a couple hoses activated and began to squirt some of the jousters. Since they were equipped already with a shield, they decided to attack the hose bearers, since they could protect themselves somewhat from the water being directed their way. So now you had the beginnings of a massive water fight amongst the dirt, holes and kids in the yard. It was a scene that Cecil B. DeMille would have loved to film. The cast of thousands were indulging in a mass of activity and low level Hollywood type violence. Some of the actors or extras might have been overdoing it and if Mr. DeMille had been present, he would have tried to stop the scene at this point, but it is doubtful that he would have been successful.
BUT——It was at this point, that someone much higher up the ladder than Cecil, someone who carried more weight and more authority than any Hollywood director. Unbeknownst to the arrayed struggling kids, the back door to my cousin’s house opened and onto the back porch arrived my Uncle Teets. He likely was just home from work or from a nap or something, but had been aroused by the sound of combat from the yard and he surveyed the scene in a rising bit of astonishment and a touch of certain irritation. He just stood there and said one word : “CUT!!!!” Now this wasn’t like Cecil saying stop the scene and do it over, this one word let everyone know that the all the activity was completely and emphatically at an end. When our uncle said CUT, he meant business and he meant you had better CUT right now! As soon as the kids heard him and then saw him staring at them from the porch, they all knew it was time to get out, NOW. In just an instant, the backyard cleared of all the kids.. Just about everyone made for the alley and disappeared in both directions to home and hopeful safety. My cousins, Robert, Stevie and possibly Jeanie were not so lucky, as they lived there and could not follow the rest out of the yard. There was no diplomatic immunity for them. They were left to face the consequences, none of the rest of us were willing to act as their witnesses or lawyers, we only wanted to CUT. They would have to defend themselves in the coming trial, as they would have no sympathetic bystanders speaking in their defense.
If this scene had played out in some backyard in modern times. The results might have been a little different. As we all know, OSHA or the the FDA or FBI or some governmental department would have instructed the parents in the proper procedure. If there was to be jousting, the participants would all have to be wearing helmets, with googles, body padding and proper footwear. Those playing War, would be stopped immediately, due to the violent nature of imaginary guns and shooting. The EPA would have come down on the excessive use of water power and leaky hoses. The parents would probably have been subjected to a trial or a hearing in court and subject to fines regarding child endangerment and assorted violent activities. Good thing that the kids of today can just stay inside on warm summer days and look at their tablets, video games and iPhones.
copyright 2019