Bowling of the Stars
While many in the sports world continue to agonize over questions like: “What’s wrong with baseball?” or “Will Hockey ever become popular in the States?” or “Basketball, Quo Vadis?” or “Professional Soccer, who cares?” These questions all miss the point. What about Professional Bowling? What the hell happened there? This is a much more important question. It is also probably the most unasked question in American today.
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The case can probably be made that bowling is more a part of the delicately woven afghan of American life than either baseball or the overrated football. Back in the 1940’s, 50’s and even the 60’s, bowling was the most important sport in the whole country. If you could look it up somewhere, the facts would likely back up this claim. Since we don’t have the time for that, you will have to take my word for it. Unfortunately, today this popularity is no longer true. If you really cared, you might say: “…well, what is to be done about that?” Quicker than you can say : Billy Golembieski, the answer is here.
To get Professional Bowling back to the status it once had, a multi-faceted program must be instituted at once. There are plenty of professional bowlers out there, we just need to get them together and form a professional, traveling league. We also will need some visionary big money backers, say in the vein of people like Bill Veeck, Charley Finley or some fellow who just hit the Power Ball big time and is not sure where to spend his money. Once we have the financing, we begin to implement The Plan.
Uniforms. This is the ‘sine qua non’ of all professional sports. If we do this right, it will be self financing with all the hats, shirts and memorabilia we can sell the fans. From the little tykes, to the decaying ex-jocks, flashy uniforms are something to which they can all relate. In the past, bowlers wore colorful shirts, with their names on the front and some type of advertising for their sponsors on the back. For example, it would say “ED” on the front pocket, and “Stan’s Waste Removal Service” surrounded by a border of flowers on the back. Fast forward to today. Full uniforms. Colorful jerseys, with a number on the back and the team name and team logo across the front. “Ft. Wayne Fighting Meat Packers” or “ Saginaw Screaming Pin Tumblers”. The use of numbers instead of names would help the sale of scorebooks at the refreshment stand. Coordinated, roomy, yoga-pants would complete the uniform in a statement of style and panache. To complete the ensemble, the bowlers would wear high top bowling shoes, with the little lights on the heels, that flash on and off as the bowler walks to the line.
Rules. In order to compete in the modern sports arena and also to draw a television contract, some changes will need to be made to the current rules. Taunting will now be encouraged. In the old days, quiet reigned on the alleys as the competitors hit the line to heave the old ball toward the pins. The lack of excitement, to say nothing of the unhealthy restriction on free speech and the squelching of the deep-seated competitive juices, was probably unconstitutional and un-American! Those days are long gone. When the bowler stands at the line to deliver, the opposing team are now encouraged to say anything from remarks about the other person’s physical appearance to those of his mother or girl friend or wife. You can just imagine the fun that could be had with that. Microphones will be strategically placed so that all the remarks and replies can be beamed back home to the viewers as they are being made. In addition, no longer will one bowler politely wait while the other bowler sets himself to make his approach to throw the ball. You can now throw whenever you’re ready. If you can break your opponents concentration and get a strike yourself, so much the better. In fact, one of the new rules will be called : ‘The opposing lane bonus rule/‘ If you can distract your opponent long enough to deliver YOUR ball down HIS lane, you will receive Bonus Points. The bonus will be figured on the amount of pins you can knock down on his alley. Gutter balls will be counted as points against you. The complications arise when you realize that while you’re throwing the ball, you must also protect your alley from the other bowler. That’s where the fun begins. Blocking moves and limited body checks are allowed to keep the opponent from stealing your alley. Over zealous bowlers who are caught tripping or delivering illegal body blows that could be construed by the referees as fighting, are not allowed. If the referee calls a penalty, then the penalized bowler must sit out the next two frames and his team will lose that pin count. Gross infractions could result in ejection for a whole game, so you have to be careful or at least sneaky.
Scoring. A few new wrinkles in scoring come along with the new rules. If you can keep an opposing team from throwing a ball down your lane for a whole game, that will be called a ‘Snerd’, and will add 100 points to your score. If you can go for all three games without allowing this, your team will be awarded an additional 500 point. This will be called a ‘Babushka’.
During the ‘beer frames’ (good way to plug the sponsor) the score will double for the bowlers with the highest score. At this time, the alley lights will flash on and off, the organ will play a suitable song, rock songs work well, but polka music is acceptable. For each strike made, the scoreboard above the alley will explode with fireworks and laser lights. During this time, the beer sponsor’s signs will flash overhead and on the television screens at home.
Whenever good plays are made, the bowlers will be encouraged to celebrate in any way that they feel will render the occasion with that proper amount of obnoxiousness. If a bowler has just rolled a strike, high fiveing and screaming are the minimum. When you get a double or triple, now you’re talking about a party. If done properly, spiking the bowling ball is appropriate. Also, running half way down the opponents alley, spinning around and sliding on your knees back towards the foul line is acceptable. For those who manage to achieve the higher levels, leading your team on a mambo line through the bar and back to your scoring table is a normal response. If anyone is lucky enough to roll a 300 game, the only rule limiting the celebration is that of the imagination and creativeness of that bowler. Five minutes of “NaNaNaNah, NaNaNaNah, Heyyyy, Hey-eyyyy, goodbye” would probably be a good start.
Of course, some may quibble that some of the rules might border on poor sportsmanship or even could be considered rude behavior. But this will be what sets this sport apart from all the other professional sports. It will be all part of the game and of the entertainment package. Actually in most of the other sports, they have all started becoming a little more hot-doggish in recent years. There is not enough mustard to cover some of these celebrations, especially in soccer, but even in hockey and football they are getting a little more out of control when celebrating. Professional bowling will need to be much different if it is to succeed. All we need is a television contract and some sponsors. Who is ready to be part of the future of sports?
copyright 2017