Baseball 2020
Recently the TFIBI has been able to access the details of the return of Major League Baseball this year. The memo was leaked to us via a well known leaker of classified information. That is all we can say, other than the full report will become public in the very near future as the game of baseball returns this summer. I hope that I will not be unmasked. (masks required)
There will e a number of changes made to the game in order for it to be played during these perilous times. It is expected that these changes will be in effect for the foreseeable future or ten years, or maybe forever, depending on events.
When the game is ready to be played, all the players of the home team that are playing will take the field to their various positions. There will be a pause, then they will no longer proceed with the Star Spangled Banner, since the game is going to be part of the Global Culture, it was deemed best to begin with either the singing or playing of “We Are the World.” Then the umpires proceed onto the field, There will be an umpire for first, second and third base, Proper Social Distanced (PSD) from the players. The umpire and the players are all required to wear masks. The home plate umpire will not be in the usual place. Instead he will be seated in a special booth behind the plate, isolated from the field. He will have access to the pitches via a camera that will be suspended by wire over the catchers shoulder and also a view of home plate from a centerfield camera. (There will also be at least three drones flying at all times, to monitor the game and game calls.) As the pitches come in, the umpire will call the pitches over a speaker which will be easily heard by the catcher, the batter and the pitcher. Also, the catcher, since he will not be able to totally practice PSD, he will be required to wear a modified Hazmat suit. This will protect himself and each batter as they come to the plate.
Now the game will proceed. If the first batter gets a hit or a walk, he goes to first base. Since the first baseman will not be able to PSD himself from the runner, it was determined that the runner will have to keep his foot on the bag until the ball is in play. This will allow the first baseman to have the ability to play far enough off the bag to PSD. Stealing of bases will not be permitted for the foreseeable future. This may take some getting used to by the players, but it is necessary to maintain the health of all involved. This will be the case for whichever base the runner is occupying at the time. If a ball is hit to the outfield and the runner is advancing to another base and the throw comes in to try and get the runner out at another base or home plate, this will be allowed. But, once the tag is made, whether the runner is safe or out, the fielder must quickly jump back and maintain PSD when the call is made. This brings us to contested calls. If the runner or the manager of the team has determined that the call was incorrect, as usual they can challenge the call. If there is to be an argument to contest the result, the manager and/or the player may at that time, remove their cell phone from their pocket and text the umpire with their complaint. All players will have access to a cellphone at all times. These phones will only be able to access texts and calls, but no internet service allowed. This texting is obviously needed to maintain PSD. Once the discussion is over, the play resumes as usual.
When the inning is over, the team returns to their dugout area. The only people allowed in the dugouts will be the manager and the coaches, the trainer and the batboy. The players will sit on benches on either side of the dugout, maintaining PSD. Any players that are not in the game, will all be sitting in the seats behind the dugout until that time that they may be called into the game by the manager. The relief pitchers will still be seated in an enlarged bullpen area, PSD. Another change, much needed will be what the players can do when someone on their team has performed something that might be considered worthy of congratulations by the other players. With the outlawing of hand shaking, of course high-fiving and hugs are out of the question. Since all the player will have their cell phones, they will be encouraged to use these to proper effect. If a teammate hits a long home run and maybe scoring a few other players ahead of him, this is cause for joy and celebration. Players will then text, and possibly use emojis to congratulate their teammate for their accomplishment at this time. Creativity is encouraged. PSD even more so.
If a player is removed from a game, for injury, replacement etc—He will be required to go immediately to the clubhouse, change clothes and proceed back to the hotel where the players are staying. He will not be able to stay in the clubhouse area at this time. The less people there, the better chances of PSD. Another small change will be made for the traditional 7th inning stretch. Since it would be impractical to sing, Take Me Out to the Ball Game’ as the fans are not allowed to come to the game, another song was needed. So for the foreseeable future, all stadiums will have a recording of the new song ‘Stay Safe, Stay Home’. It was written by Dr. Claudius Ausfahrt of the CDC for MLB. The recommended recording will be one by the renowned recording artist – Cher-, a huge baseball fan. All proceeds from this recording will be returned to the CDC.
A few housekeeping items to remember. As was previously announced the practice of spitting by the players is eternally outlawed. Since the players will all have to wear face masks, the spitting will be harder to do. If a player does somehow forget and expectorates on the field, the game will be halted and the player will be warned and receive a citation from the local health department after the game. The ground crew will proceed to the moistened area to clean up the violation. If that same player does it again, he will be suspended by MLB for 30 days. It is possible that the local authorities may at their discretion apply further penalties to that person. If there is by some chance a third violation by that player, they will be suspended for the rest of the season, subject to further off season review by MLB.
The only people in attendance at the games will be the families of the players, limited to 50 for each team and will be required to sit on opposite sides of the field and of course maintaining PSD. These fans will be aided by electronic cheering for the home team at the proper times during the game. Booing is discouraged. All attendees will also be fitted out with the proper facial accoutrements. In the press box there will be allowed three members of the media representing each team in the current contest. Also with masks and performing the PSD. Any of the non-game participants who violate any of the rules of attendance will be turned over to local law enforcement for possible incarceration. At the end of the game, the players will be returned to their hotels to take their showers and take their meals. The other attendees will leave the stadium, PSD at all times and return to their mode of transportation.
These rules could be subject to change and further restrictions pending further review from the CDC, NIH, WHO, and the LSMFT.
LETS PLAY BALL!!!!